Replacement Players for Illegal Aliens

There is this fantastic solution for Republicans and business owners who claim this country can't do without the cheap labor of illegal aliens.

Put our low- and medium-level jailbirds to work for the same amount you're paying illegal aliens.

Sure, some of them will have to be guarded by people with guns but let's allow them to work and earn the money. Then, they can go into the jail commissary and buy smokes, pay for their breakfast, lunch and dinner, and pay for their room and board.

It will save us taxpayers some cabbage and spawn a whole new segment of the policing industry.


I'm calling this new industry segment Involuntary Employment Management and Enforcement.

And I want Dawg, The Bounty Hunter to be named the first Czar of IEME.

Who Do You Think You Are?

Tom Cruise. Paris Hilton. Britney Spears. Idiots all.

These people all have one thing in common. They don't live in the real world. And they don't much care about the real people in this country like you and me.

Then there's those freakish, grossly over-paid pro athletes, specifically Terrell Owens. And those idiotics who think they are foreign policy experts like The Dixie Chicks and George Clooney.

Turn the channel, don't buy their stuff. You'll make 'em freak and end up doing something like this:

McDonald's Version of Have a Nice Day

It's hard to have a nice day with your Big Mac combo when the server mumbles to you through clenched teeth, heaves a sigh as if you disgust him or her or worse, they yell back to the cooks in Spanish while they're talking your order.


I've been there, working for minimum wage and it's a hard life, but it was never too hard to say please and thank you, even when I was poor, and I did it with a smile. I can't even muster words for how bad the order takers are at McDonald's on Poplar. Let us move on.

Boston Tea Party, Part Deux

When there is no democracy at home; no accounting to the people who go into the booth and cast their votes; outright defiance of the law; and political/government corruption like there hasn't been since Civil War Reconstruction, how can we expect to be an example to the world.

Get off the phone from calling your talk shows to complain and do something about it. Go to city hall. Go to the town hall meetings. Picket. Complain. Write your local, state and federal representatives and go to them in protest.

Just do so peacefully and let's first throw the bums out, then toss them in prison.

Hey CMT Crossroads, How about These Combos?

If you're not familiar with CMT's Crossroads, the premise is simple: hook up country music musicians with artists from other music genres to perform each others songs on stage together.

Officially, the show's logline is this:

"Great music knows no boundaries. CMT Crossroads shows the far-reaching roots of country music by pairing country artists with musicians from other genres. Each episode will feature a different set of stars playing together, swapping stories and sharing their common love of music," reads CMT's Web site.

The pairings are really no stretch at all. There's been a couple of great ones, Dolly Parton/Melissa Ethridge and Wynona Judd/Heart. I might put Martina McBride/Pat Benatar and Ryan Adams/Elton John in my next category, good.

Still, the show lacks really knock your socks off combos. Here's my suggestions for CMT's Crossroads:

Big & Rich/Beyonce Knowles

Faith Hill/Justin Timberlake

Tim McGraw/Bette Midler

Allison Krauss & Union Station/Gwen Stefani

Jo Dee Messina/Usher

Sammy Kershaw/Queen Latifah

Lonestar/B.B. King

Simon Sez Santa, Now in 2.0

Ah, the commercialization
of Christmas.

To make matters worse, there were actually folks in my neighborhood who put their holiday lights up -- and turned them on -- before Thanksgiving and one family that did it before Halloween!

Now, I'm going to surprise you, but I love it! For me, it's only a holiday of fun, food and exchanging presents with friends and family. It has no religious significance so I'm all for the commercialization of it. (Before you send the hate responses, I didn't say I'm an atheist; in fact, I'm very religious.)

I think I may have found the ultimate online toy, Simon Sez Santa. It’s an interactive video game on a website that was launched last year and it quickly became the surprise hit of 2005.

The company that made it has put out a 2.0 version for this year and it's even more fun with more commands.

It's free to play and that's the best thing. My kids can sit in front of the computer and play it for hours, or until I make them get up and go outside to play, which is very important.

Side bar: don't let your kids become one with the computer.

Back to Simon Sez Santa. This time last year, the word about Simon Sez Santa was spreading around the country like wildfire.

Some of the results from last year included:

- In its four weeks of operation, the website received more than 20 million hits

- It was named humorous website of the day by About.com
http://humor.about.com/b/a/225308.htm

- Nearly 10,000 downloads of the program occurred in first full week of website operation

- It was the featured site on http://beta.blogger.com/kim/Kim/Signature/06-SIG-1608%20Simon%20Sez%20Santa%202/www.coolsiteoftheday.com on Dec. 23rd (highest rated site of the month and second highest rated site of the year)

I expect the same will happen this year. To play Simon Sez Santa 2.0 go to this year’s website, http://www.simonsezsanta.com/.

Then come back here and tell me what you think.

Just getting started. Stay tuned to read our critical comments based on personal experiences. No sacred cows, no holds barred. Coming in December...